- As fans start preparing to head over to the INB Performing Arts Center, they will hear a strange buzzing sound and look out the window to see Big Gay Steve, wearing goggles and a rippling white scarf, circling the Doubletree in a biplane trailing a banner that reads, “Am I banned yet?”
- To break the ice, David Gerrold will throw Nerf Tribbles at the audience, sing nyah-nyah-nyah, and then ask, “What?”
- As the Campbell Award winner (Kary English) is announced, stealth puppies will project a giant hologram of Vox Day’s disembodied head. It will hover over the stage long enough to inform the crowd that it doesn’t care about them at all, then disappear. Laughter will continue to echo throughout the evening.
- Jeffro Johnson will not be able to accept his award for Best Fan Writer in person because he is prepping a BBQ pit in a parking lot across the street, but he will send a message that all are welcome – bring your own beer, torches and pitchforks.
- In a stunning upset, all the rest of the Hugos will go to Mike Glyer, who will promise to distribute them as equitably as he can at the next File 770 Meetup, especially to those who don’t have a pretentious liberal arts degree.
- At the Hugo Losers’ Party, George RR Martin will suddenly pull off his mask, revealing himself to be Tuomas Vainio.
- Buwaya will surface from the punch bowl, regard the room dramatically while dripping, and walk out, muttering that he is going to look for a “real man’s book.”
- John C. Wright and L. Jagi Lamplighter, who had arrived early to get front row seats, will return home and blog that they had a wonderful time at Sasquan and made a lot of new friends.
- A week later, Mid-AmeriCon II will announce the special award category for 2016: Best Mascot.
- The Hugo Awards will continue to circle endlessly in the Gyre of FUD.
– Will R. and Brian Z